What can I say, How do I put into words what my heart is feeling....Complete, Content, Loved, wanted....So many years have gone by, time we will never get back....but thats ok, because we found eachother and I will never loose him again. The day he was to pick me up from my Hotel, we walked past eachother a few times...than I looked and said " DADDY" he than turned around came my way and with tears in his eyes he held me....my dad , crying for me...weeping like a child in my arms ....my thoughts " he loves me " and thats all I needed...all tha I had rehearsed in my mind , all that I was going to say ....went away...for that was no longer important...this was a new start...and I had to let go Of the past , my anger...if I were to begin a future that was positive with this man.... On the way to his house , as he was driving he spoke of how he did not feel as he was deserving of this opportunity, but very greatful for it...tears would come down his face ....and I just found myself feeling sorry for this man, and for his suffering....I realized, that we both suffered....we both hurt and we both cried for not having eachother in our lives...I wiped his cheek with my hands and was so thankful to have these moments with him...for the first time in my life I had my Dad and it felt good.....His wife is such a beautiful women, she gave us our time , she knew what this time meant to both of us, and for that I am greatful.....
He would make me breakfast in bed.... We played Dominos and although he would never admit to it I beat him bad : ) I went to his church with him and was so proud of him as he spoke ....one point my dad told his members that he would speak in english for a few moments because he wanted me to truly understand what he was saying,,,, and with his Ricky Ricardo voice : ) he begged for my forgiveness and told me he loved me....as he spoke , tears flowed down my face and he cried as well...our eyes were locked on eachother and at that moment , all was forgiven......
What I have learned, Life is to short ....I did not want to get a phone call one day from someone saying that my Dad was no longer with us....I did not want to live my life with regrets....I have my Dad now....and life is good.....life is very good.....
Yo te amore me papa....I love YOU Dad
Carmen
Monday, May 26, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
MY WISH FOR THIS MOTHERS DAY
My Wish For This Mothers Day
What can I wish for mothers day that I don't already have, I have a Husband who Loves me, 3 Healthy Children who Love me and who I would do anything for....But yet what I wish for myself is not for the obvious, I wish to have a relationship with my dad....I have not seen him in almost 12 years...those of you who know me very well know why...I can't remember ever waking up with him in our home, or having him come to anything that what important to me when I was a child...For so many years I held on to this wasted anger and hatred for this man who maybe at the time just did not know how to be a dad... Yes he walked down with me on my wedding day, but how sad I felt that th is man walking beside me felt like a stranger...this man who is giving me away was never there for me in the first place, but yet I held on to him for I would have taken anything he would have given me.As I grew up and had my first child who is now almost 16 I remember calling my father and telling him I was to be a mom....His reaction very surprising he bagan to cry...why was he crying...later I would find out it was because at that very moment he realized that his little girl was not so little anymore...he came to the realization that the job he should have done was no longer needed or so he thought. The day would come and my Angel was born and guess who would appear my dad...I thought to myself perhap he realizes that he is still needed , perhaps its not to late....after a while of visiting me he again left my life...I later found out that I was to be a mom again I called him but t his time not much of a reaction, oh well I thought, what am I to do... 10 years later He found out that I could not carry anymore children and that I was to go to China to receive our Beautiful Daughter and again he cried , My father is a MINISTER and he prayed that everything would go well and that I would make it home safe with my daughter...While in China the phone rang and yes it was my dad ...Now my father never calls me , so for him to call me while I was in China was HUGE!!!! I said to myself and to my husband if he continues to reach out to me for 1 year , I will go and visit him . During this past year he called me for Mothers Day, for th e first time in 41 years he called me for my Birthday and Christmas...he calls me every other week and we are growing as father and daughter....So With all of that being said, this Friday I leave to Florida to spend a week with my Dad...I never spent a week with him not even as alittle girl....But what I found in my older years , is that life is just toooo short to try to correct the past...the past is just that the past...but what I can try to do with the help of my dad is to make a better future...and to show my children by example of the importance forgivness is.....When my Dad left me, he left me with a very angry, bitter, abusive women ...who YEAP, I don't talk to ..you see unlike my dad, My mom will never admit to her wrong doings...so I can't try with someone who does not even care to....I want to take this time to speak with him and let him know what I had to deal with as a child because of his absence....and to also show him that I am ok...and That I want to forgive him and move on....
What I want for Mothers Day you ask??? I want MY DAD , Like every little girl that has grown up I will forever need him in my life...So although I am very nervous about this Friday , I know that I can do this , with an open heart and an open Mind you , me and everyone can do anything.....Here goes....wish me luck!!! And to all of You BEAUTIFUL MOMS IN THE WORLD, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY...
And to my Sweet daughter, I know there will come a day when you yourself will have to deal with some issues of your own with regards to you Bio parents, I can only hope that I can help you along the way by leading by example...... I LOVE YOU JIANNA, MICHAEL AND MY STEVEN....
Daddys not so little girl
Carmen
What can I wish for mothers day that I don't already have, I have a Husband who Loves me, 3 Healthy Children who Love me and who I would do anything for....But yet what I wish for myself is not for the obvious, I wish to have a relationship with my dad....I have not seen him in almost 12 years...those of you who know me very well know why...I can't remember ever waking up with him in our home, or having him come to anything that what important to me when I was a child...For so many years I held on to this wasted anger and hatred for this man who maybe at the time just did not know how to be a dad... Yes he walked down with me on my wedding day, but how sad I felt that th is man walking beside me felt like a stranger...this man who is giving me away was never there for me in the first place, but yet I held on to him for I would have taken anything he would have given me.As I grew up and had my first child who is now almost 16 I remember calling my father and telling him I was to be a mom....His reaction very surprising he bagan to cry...why was he crying...later I would find out it was because at that very moment he realized that his little girl was not so little anymore...he came to the realization that the job he should have done was no longer needed or so he thought. The day would come and my Angel was born and guess who would appear my dad...I thought to myself perhap he realizes that he is still needed , perhaps its not to late....after a while of visiting me he again left my life...I later found out that I was to be a mom again I called him but t his time not much of a reaction, oh well I thought, what am I to do... 10 years later He found out that I could not carry anymore children and that I was to go to China to receive our Beautiful Daughter and again he cried , My father is a MINISTER and he prayed that everything would go well and that I would make it home safe with my daughter...While in China the phone rang and yes it was my dad ...Now my father never calls me , so for him to call me while I was in China was HUGE!!!! I said to myself and to my husband if he continues to reach out to me for 1 year , I will go and visit him . During this past year he called me for Mothers Day, for th e first time in 41 years he called me for my Birthday and Christmas...he calls me every other week and we are growing as father and daughter....So With all of that being said, this Friday I leave to Florida to spend a week with my Dad...I never spent a week with him not even as alittle girl....But what I found in my older years , is that life is just toooo short to try to correct the past...the past is just that the past...but what I can try to do with the help of my dad is to make a better future...and to show my children by example of the importance forgivness is.....When my Dad left me, he left me with a very angry, bitter, abusive women ...who YEAP, I don't talk to ..you see unlike my dad, My mom will never admit to her wrong doings...so I can't try with someone who does not even care to....I want to take this time to speak with him and let him know what I had to deal with as a child because of his absence....and to also show him that I am ok...and That I want to forgive him and move on....
What I want for Mothers Day you ask??? I want MY DAD , Like every little girl that has grown up I will forever need him in my life...So although I am very nervous about this Friday , I know that I can do this , with an open heart and an open Mind you , me and everyone can do anything.....Here goes....wish me luck!!! And to all of You BEAUTIFUL MOMS IN THE WORLD, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY...
And to my Sweet daughter, I know there will come a day when you yourself will have to deal with some issues of your own with regards to you Bio parents, I can only hope that I can help you along the way by leading by example...... I LOVE YOU JIANNA, MICHAEL AND MY STEVEN....
Daddys not so little girl
Carmen
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