What can I say, How do I put into words what my heart is feeling....Complete, Content, Loved, wanted....So many years have gone by, time we will never get back....but thats ok, because we found eachother and I will never loose him again. The day he was to pick me up from my Hotel, we walked past eachother a few times...than I looked and said " DADDY" he than turned around came my way and with tears in his eyes he held me....my dad , crying for me...weeping like a child in my arms ....my thoughts " he loves me " and thats all I needed...all tha I had rehearsed in my mind , all that I was going to say ....went away...for that was no longer important...this was a new start...and I had to let go Of the past , my anger...if I were to begin a future that was positive with this man.... On the way to his house , as he was driving he spoke of how he did not feel as he was deserving of this opportunity, but very greatful for it...tears would come down his face ....and I just found myself feeling sorry for this man, and for his suffering....I realized, that we both suffered....we both hurt and we both cried for not having eachother in our lives...I wiped his cheek with my hands and was so thankful to have these moments with him...for the first time in my life I had my Dad and it felt good.....His wife is such a beautiful women, she gave us our time , she knew what this time meant to both of us, and for that I am greatful.....
He would make me breakfast in bed.... We played Dominos and although he would never admit to it I beat him bad : ) I went to his church with him and was so proud of him as he spoke ....one point my dad told his members that he would speak in english for a few moments because he wanted me to truly understand what he was saying,,,, and with his Ricky Ricardo voice : ) he begged for my forgiveness and told me he loved me....as he spoke , tears flowed down my face and he cried as well...our eyes were locked on eachother and at that moment , all was forgiven......
What I have learned, Life is to short ....I did not want to get a phone call one day from someone saying that my Dad was no longer with us....I did not want to live my life with regrets....I have my Dad now....and life is good.....life is very good.....
Yo te amore me papa....I love YOU Dad
Carmen
Monday, May 26, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
MY WISH FOR THIS MOTHERS DAY
My Wish For This Mothers Day
What can I wish for mothers day that I don't already have, I have a Husband who Loves me, 3 Healthy Children who Love me and who I would do anything for....But yet what I wish for myself is not for the obvious, I wish to have a relationship with my dad....I have not seen him in almost 12 years...those of you who know me very well know why...I can't remember ever waking up with him in our home, or having him come to anything that what important to me when I was a child...For so many years I held on to this wasted anger and hatred for this man who maybe at the time just did not know how to be a dad... Yes he walked down with me on my wedding day, but how sad I felt that th is man walking beside me felt like a stranger...this man who is giving me away was never there for me in the first place, but yet I held on to him for I would have taken anything he would have given me.As I grew up and had my first child who is now almost 16 I remember calling my father and telling him I was to be a mom....His reaction very surprising he bagan to cry...why was he crying...later I would find out it was because at that very moment he realized that his little girl was not so little anymore...he came to the realization that the job he should have done was no longer needed or so he thought. The day would come and my Angel was born and guess who would appear my dad...I thought to myself perhap he realizes that he is still needed , perhaps its not to late....after a while of visiting me he again left my life...I later found out that I was to be a mom again I called him but t his time not much of a reaction, oh well I thought, what am I to do... 10 years later He found out that I could not carry anymore children and that I was to go to China to receive our Beautiful Daughter and again he cried , My father is a MINISTER and he prayed that everything would go well and that I would make it home safe with my daughter...While in China the phone rang and yes it was my dad ...Now my father never calls me , so for him to call me while I was in China was HUGE!!!! I said to myself and to my husband if he continues to reach out to me for 1 year , I will go and visit him . During this past year he called me for Mothers Day, for th e first time in 41 years he called me for my Birthday and Christmas...he calls me every other week and we are growing as father and daughter....So With all of that being said, this Friday I leave to Florida to spend a week with my Dad...I never spent a week with him not even as alittle girl....But what I found in my older years , is that life is just toooo short to try to correct the past...the past is just that the past...but what I can try to do with the help of my dad is to make a better future...and to show my children by example of the importance forgivness is.....When my Dad left me, he left me with a very angry, bitter, abusive women ...who YEAP, I don't talk to ..you see unlike my dad, My mom will never admit to her wrong doings...so I can't try with someone who does not even care to....I want to take this time to speak with him and let him know what I had to deal with as a child because of his absence....and to also show him that I am ok...and That I want to forgive him and move on....
What I want for Mothers Day you ask??? I want MY DAD , Like every little girl that has grown up I will forever need him in my life...So although I am very nervous about this Friday , I know that I can do this , with an open heart and an open Mind you , me and everyone can do anything.....Here goes....wish me luck!!! And to all of You BEAUTIFUL MOMS IN THE WORLD, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY...
And to my Sweet daughter, I know there will come a day when you yourself will have to deal with some issues of your own with regards to you Bio parents, I can only hope that I can help you along the way by leading by example...... I LOVE YOU JIANNA, MICHAEL AND MY STEVEN....
Daddys not so little girl
Carmen
What can I wish for mothers day that I don't already have, I have a Husband who Loves me, 3 Healthy Children who Love me and who I would do anything for....But yet what I wish for myself is not for the obvious, I wish to have a relationship with my dad....I have not seen him in almost 12 years...those of you who know me very well know why...I can't remember ever waking up with him in our home, or having him come to anything that what important to me when I was a child...For so many years I held on to this wasted anger and hatred for this man who maybe at the time just did not know how to be a dad... Yes he walked down with me on my wedding day, but how sad I felt that th is man walking beside me felt like a stranger...this man who is giving me away was never there for me in the first place, but yet I held on to him for I would have taken anything he would have given me.As I grew up and had my first child who is now almost 16 I remember calling my father and telling him I was to be a mom....His reaction very surprising he bagan to cry...why was he crying...later I would find out it was because at that very moment he realized that his little girl was not so little anymore...he came to the realization that the job he should have done was no longer needed or so he thought. The day would come and my Angel was born and guess who would appear my dad...I thought to myself perhap he realizes that he is still needed , perhaps its not to late....after a while of visiting me he again left my life...I later found out that I was to be a mom again I called him but t his time not much of a reaction, oh well I thought, what am I to do... 10 years later He found out that I could not carry anymore children and that I was to go to China to receive our Beautiful Daughter and again he cried , My father is a MINISTER and he prayed that everything would go well and that I would make it home safe with my daughter...While in China the phone rang and yes it was my dad ...Now my father never calls me , so for him to call me while I was in China was HUGE!!!! I said to myself and to my husband if he continues to reach out to me for 1 year , I will go and visit him . During this past year he called me for Mothers Day, for th e first time in 41 years he called me for my Birthday and Christmas...he calls me every other week and we are growing as father and daughter....So With all of that being said, this Friday I leave to Florida to spend a week with my Dad...I never spent a week with him not even as alittle girl....But what I found in my older years , is that life is just toooo short to try to correct the past...the past is just that the past...but what I can try to do with the help of my dad is to make a better future...and to show my children by example of the importance forgivness is.....When my Dad left me, he left me with a very angry, bitter, abusive women ...who YEAP, I don't talk to ..you see unlike my dad, My mom will never admit to her wrong doings...so I can't try with someone who does not even care to....I want to take this time to speak with him and let him know what I had to deal with as a child because of his absence....and to also show him that I am ok...and That I want to forgive him and move on....
What I want for Mothers Day you ask??? I want MY DAD , Like every little girl that has grown up I will forever need him in my life...So although I am very nervous about this Friday , I know that I can do this , with an open heart and an open Mind you , me and everyone can do anything.....Here goes....wish me luck!!! And to all of You BEAUTIFUL MOMS IN THE WORLD, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY...
And to my Sweet daughter, I know there will come a day when you yourself will have to deal with some issues of your own with regards to you Bio parents, I can only hope that I can help you along the way by leading by example...... I LOVE YOU JIANNA, MICHAEL AND MY STEVEN....
Daddys not so little girl
Carmen
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
We are Back : (
Hi Everyone!!!!!
Well we got back last night , and what can I say our trip was amazing, romantic everything that we could have asked for!
On our 25th anniversary Dante and I started off the day getting a massage together...the spa was beautiful!!! we then went to lunch had a great day at the beach, had wonderful conversation, without any INTERUPTIONS from our little ones : ) Later that day as we were going to our room, I noticed rose petals in front of our door..when I entered the room I could not believe what my Husband has pulled off....There were rose petals everywhere on the bed on the floor , there was a bubble bath .....surrounded by candels and petals in the tub....the most beautiful flower arrangement in the room that he had ordered the day before......who knew my husband had it in him...... later that night we ate dinner in our room and just enjoyed eachothers company , thats private : O
Being together with someone for 25 years is something that we are both very proud of....sure we have our problems, who does not.....however, what I know is that n o matter how bad times can get or what obstacles we have faced, Dante is the man for me......No marriage is perfect...although many of you think ours is....it takes hard work, commitment and Love and that is something that I am proud to say we both have for eachother....sometimes we forget the thing that brought us together, or the quality in that person that made you fall in love with them ....sometimes, you just need to reconnect and find in that person the thing that attracted you to them in the first place... Sometimes, you have to stop being Mommy and daddy, and just be Carmen and Dante,,,,, And what I found is that Dante and I love eachother as much today as we did 25 years ago.....and that is something that I am proud of....although, sometimes I do want to kill him : )
Carmen
Well we got back last night , and what can I say our trip was amazing, romantic everything that we could have asked for!
On our 25th anniversary Dante and I started off the day getting a massage together...the spa was beautiful!!! we then went to lunch had a great day at the beach, had wonderful conversation, without any INTERUPTIONS from our little ones : ) Later that day as we were going to our room, I noticed rose petals in front of our door..when I entered the room I could not believe what my Husband has pulled off....There were rose petals everywhere on the bed on the floor , there was a bubble bath .....surrounded by candels and petals in the tub....the most beautiful flower arrangement in the room that he had ordered the day before......who knew my husband had it in him...... later that night we ate dinner in our room and just enjoyed eachothers company , thats private : O
Being together with someone for 25 years is something that we are both very proud of....sure we have our problems, who does not.....however, what I know is that n o matter how bad times can get or what obstacles we have faced, Dante is the man for me......No marriage is perfect...although many of you think ours is....it takes hard work, commitment and Love and that is something that I am proud to say we both have for eachother....sometimes we forget the thing that brought us together, or the quality in that person that made you fall in love with them ....sometimes, you just need to reconnect and find in that person the thing that attracted you to them in the first place... Sometimes, you have to stop being Mommy and daddy, and just be Carmen and Dante,,,,, And what I found is that Dante and I love eachother as much today as we did 25 years ago.....and that is something that I am proud of....although, sometimes I do want to kill him : )
Carmen
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
GOING AWAY TOMORROW!!!!!!
I am soooooooo Happy !!!!! tomorrow We are going away!!!!! No kids : ) / : (
Happy to get a break, but very sad to leave the 3 of them...I have never left Jianna for one day let alone 5....
I know she will be fine, I am just concerned about me : ) My amazing Aunt Mary will be here from New Mexico
to Hang with the kiddies....shes wonderful...I use to like when she watched me as a child....so I know that
they are gonna be in GREAT hands....
As far as my LACK of bloggong goes, I have been horrible to say the least. Have been very busy with soccer, baseball, mikes theater, and his other many , many projects and lets not forget Princess Jia who is never more than 3 steps behind me,
she is growing up so fast! Shes an amazing little girl, she cracks me up....funnier than me! She is talking alot...
grew 4 inches since she has been home.....and has gained 15 pounds doubled her weight in a year! She Loves music any
kind and dances to everything. Still eating us out of house and home : ) and we are loving every minute of having her in our lives.... Refuses to potty train!!!! help!!!! she will sit on that potty until the cows come home with nothing....but
as soon as you take her off....BAM she does her thing : ) Love her sooooo much!!!!!!
Anyway I will post again once I return.....
Love ya all
Carmen and The rest of the gang
Happy to get a break, but very sad to leave the 3 of them...I have never left Jianna for one day let alone 5....
I know she will be fine, I am just concerned about me : ) My amazing Aunt Mary will be here from New Mexico
to Hang with the kiddies....shes wonderful...I use to like when she watched me as a child....so I know that
they are gonna be in GREAT hands....
As far as my LACK of bloggong goes, I have been horrible to say the least. Have been very busy with soccer, baseball, mikes theater, and his other many , many projects and lets not forget Princess Jia who is never more than 3 steps behind me,
she is growing up so fast! Shes an amazing little girl, she cracks me up....funnier than me! She is talking alot...
grew 4 inches since she has been home.....and has gained 15 pounds doubled her weight in a year! She Loves music any
kind and dances to everything. Still eating us out of house and home : ) and we are loving every minute of having her in our lives.... Refuses to potty train!!!! help!!!! she will sit on that potty until the cows come home with nothing....but
as soon as you take her off....BAM she does her thing : ) Love her sooooo much!!!!!!
Anyway I will post again once I return.....
Love ya all
Carmen and The rest of the gang
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Dantes HUGE Surprise!!!!
This April 27 it will be 25 years that Dante and I are together......My amazing Husband has planned a Romantic vacation for just the "2" of us!!!!!!!!!!! He is flying my Aunt in from New Mexico to watch our 3 children for "5" day so that he and I can go to the " DOMINICAN REPUBLIC" We a re staying in Punta cana at the Excellence resort and Spa!!!!!! He booked the ocean view Suite, we are going to have couple spa treatments, and horseback ride on the beach! the resort is only for ADULTS : )
Now don't get me wrong LOVE my kids....however, 5 days alone with my amazing husband sounds GREAT!!!!!
I am so Happy and proud of our being together for 25 years...I love this man so much!!!!!! he has given me everything.......I am truly a lucky girl! So Thank You Dante for planning such an amazing trip for the 2 of us!!!!!! I Love You with all that I am!
ONE LUCKY LADY
Carmen Pagano
Now don't get me wrong LOVE my kids....however, 5 days alone with my amazing husband sounds GREAT!!!!!
I am so Happy and proud of our being together for 25 years...I love this man so much!!!!!! he has given me everything.......I am truly a lucky girl! So Thank You Dante for planning such an amazing trip for the 2 of us!!!!!! I Love You with all that I am!
ONE LUCKY LADY
Carmen Pagano
Friday, February 22, 2008
Reflecting on my Daughter
As the months pass by, I am amazed at just how much JIanna has grown, and changed....She is so funny....loves to dance. she is so loving.....gives tons of hugs and kisses eveyday...even when we are shopping and leaving the store, she yells goodbye to everyone and throws kisses....to complete strangers, She Loves to sing with me....funny thing, is that I have the worst voice EVER, and yet she always is asking me to sing to her....and while I sing she sings with me......She loves to help...always saying " I HELP U" She is our house nurse, if anyone is hurt or sick, nurse Jia is there to care for you....She smiles and she just makes me smile too. She has brought so much to not only my life , but to all that meet her.... this weekend was her baptism, her Godfather Peter said a toast.....and It nearly brought tears to my eyes.....my brother in law is not one of many words, but when he talks he speaks the truth and speaks from the heart.....he said....That he is proud of us, and that Jianna has brought so much to ALL of our lives...and that we all have learned so much from her...He adores her so much.....I see how he looks at her and it just makes me want to melt. I agree with him, she has brought so much to our lives, and she has shown so many people in our lives that you don't have to give birth to a child, or share the same blood lines to Love a child ...I am so proud to say that not one person in my family or our friends have ever treated Jianna differently ...my Mother and Father in law adore this child...she has pushed her little way in all our hearts and she is our hero, our teacher, our brave little girl. Life is beautiful when you open your mind and your hearts....Love can been found all over the world....Our Jianna was so meant to be our daughter, when she looks up at her Italian grandparents and call them NONNA AND NONNO there faces just light up, when she sees pictures of her family around the house and she names them all and kisses their pictures, too cute....when she tries to eat nonnas pasta with a spoon and a fork like we all do....cracks me up. when we pull up in our drive way and she says " HOME MOMMY, HOME" I get teary...yes my love this is your home, we are your family and you will never be without ever again......Everything does happen for a reason....it truly does....I am so happy and will forever be thankful that my lifes journey brought me to My Angel....It was a heck of a ride....and had its ups and downs, but in the end....I would not have changed it for anything in the world.
Thank you Jjianna for enriching our lives
Thank you for being the wonderful Daughter, sister, granddaughter , Niece and friend that you are to all that know you.
WE ARE SO IN LOVE WITH YOU
MOMMY AND DADDY
Thank you Jjianna for enriching our lives
Thank you for being the wonderful Daughter, sister, granddaughter , Niece and friend that you are to all that know you.
WE ARE SO IN LOVE WITH YOU
MOMMY AND DADDY
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